2015 - The Unexpected

My senior year in high school was not what I envisioned when I was graduating elementary school. In elementary school, you day dream a lot. I imagined myself getting honors in all my classes, my skin cleared up, using cosmetics, working at a restaurant as a waitress, falling in love and going to prom, graduating and moving  onto university. This was my map and I was on route, but nothing turned out that way.

I did go through high school with honors but just barely. My skin never cleared up, in fact, even to this day it's still pretty bad. I never became a waitress, instead, I became a martial arts instructor. Boyfriends, prom, falling in love? All of that was pretty nonexistent for me. Moving onto university was a pretty long shot as well. Everything turned out basically the opposite of what I planned at age 13. I would have never thought my life would end up this way, but it did, and each aspect of it taught me things about myself. Each messy, unwanted aspect of my life, came with good life lessons.

A New Beginning

            It's interesting to read back to the things your younger self says and proclaim to do. 2 years have passed and I still have not posted Page 1 of my progression. It's funny to think that back then, getting into university was the biggest problem I had. Having low marks in high school was such a disgrace. It's interesting to look back to your thoughts and realize how ridiculous you once were.

              It's been quite a while since I posted; I've grown, I've had some new experiences, I've developed some relationships, and most of all, I've learned more about myself. I'll debrief the past 2 years, and we can carry on from there.

The Journey

       Exactly a year ago today, was the beginning of the bumpiest road. In hopes of avoiding my flat tire, I decided to go on many detours away from my main road. These detours brought me to happiness, but nevertheless lost in a grey area. Even though I was happy, I knew that I wasn't on the right track, and today, I am trying to find my way back to the main road. 

        My grandmother passed a year ago today. Although she was on the other side of the planet, with only phone calls in between, I didn't know how to continue my life without her. I was never close with my grandmother; all I knew about her was her name and illnesses that she was at the hospital for. But even though she was always sick, she was always happy. Despite the family situation back home, she was always smiling and laughing and always told her grandchildren how much she loved us. Even though we were the worst grandchildren, she still gave us all her attention and all her heart. I admit I was not one to be respectful to her, and I very much regret that. 

        My grandmother's death was the first time I ever experienced a direct loss in the family. I never understood why some of my friends would miss days of school because of a loss in the family, until a year ago today. I missed weeks of school; passed a month of school because of my grandmother. 

        My father, the most emotionless person I know, was a mess, and that's what hit me the most. I learned a year ago today that people have sincere feelings under the layers of pride. It was not that I felt completely lost without my grandmother, it was that I felt regret for never paying attention to her. I felt regret for brushing it off my mind about the times I would get a call and hear she was in the hospital. I treated it as if it was a bad mark on a test. I felt horrible in that sense. But, what the most difficult part about this whole situation was that my father was completely lost without my grandmother, and without my father, I am unstable. 

         In order to find stability, I forcefully landed. I got off the main road and turned into the small streets. I needed to keep my mind off my grandmother in order to feel stronger. This was the beginning of my drain. My grades dropped from 90s to 50s, I did drugs, I drank, I worked instead of studied, I found safety and trust in a boy that I knew was not going to stick around. I was spiralling down.

         I did not realize my issues and my mistakes until a year later. I thought I was the strongest person out there; no feelings, no emotions, I absolutely thought I was capable of brushing everything, no matter what it was, off my shoulder. A year ago today, was the beginning of my problems. These problems were the first I have ever had in my life; I have never let anything bother me up until I completely messed up my life. It makes me more sick about myself than anything, but despite the huge hole in my family after my grandmother's passing, I was the happiest this year. And I know I shouldn't be happy, but I tell myself that this is my way of grieving. The mentality I had about my whole situation was sick; it disgusts me. 

         A year has passed, and I can clearly see everything that was wrong during my "happy year". My drastically dropped average is not going to get me into school, and get me a good job. The drugs I did has no real purpose and will do nothing to me other than weigh me down. That boy I found happiness in is gone, and never coming back. The stability I thought I found, was not stable at all. In fact, it was more rickety than normal grieving.  But, no matter how difficult it might be, I am determined to find my main road again. No matter how many tank refills, or tire changes, I will get there. Today is going to be the day I mark my progression. Slowly, but surely, I will find my real, stable grounds. I will find the real Jo. 

The Floater

       I have always been the floater. I could never settle to stick to a routine, or be part of a normal crowd. I floated from one clique to another; I floated from one music genre to another. I never did understand what kind of person I was. I've drifted through all sorts of social crowds yet I never felt like I could settle into my own skin. I hovered over it; as if there was uncertainty on whether I wanted to claim the territory or not. And thus I was a floater, a UFO. 

       Life being the main road, has lots of bumps and lots of side streets. The idea of life is to continue to drive down the road and drive over those bumps and avoid the side streets. Even though you may get a flat tire by driving over the bumps, it will result to getting those tires replaced by stronger, more suitable ones. And even though the side streets might be the easier route, it will take longer to get to the destination. 

        As a UFO, I was hovering over that road. I was too scared to face the bumps and the side streets were never even considered. Life to me was just a sequence of days that I had to use up; I just had to find a way to get passed it all without letting it affect me. Thus I hovered, instead of drove over bumps. I was a floater, up until one day, I was forced to land. 

The Beginning

My name is Jo.

        I was born in Manila, Philippines and moved to Canada when I was 6 years old. My parents, both incredibly smart and hardworking, are registered nurses and have excelled in everything they have done in their lives. They really did start from the bottom, and now they live happily in a not so well known city in Ontario.  I, however, am a 17 year old female with no direction in life. And this is how my story goes.

        Growing up I was trained by my parents to become a jack of all trades. But because of this I have no specific talents but rather random skills that are not developed enough to even be considered a talent. I play the piano, the saxophone and the guitar. I did karate when I was younger however I have now become attached to taekwondo and will be testing for my black belt sometime soon. I occasionally draw and paint. I grew up watching animes and reading storybooks and playing video games and therefore I am not an athletic kind. There are many things I am capable of doing the basics of, however, I still don't find any specific interest to any of these things. Which brings me to the original point of this page.

         I hope that creating this blog will help me find my direction in life. Each page will be created with my most honest thoughts and feelings, and with each page created, I hope to recognize my true self.