Exactly a year ago today, was the beginning of the bumpiest road. In hopes of avoiding my flat tire, I decided to go on many detours away from my main road. These detours brought me to happiness, but nevertheless lost in a grey area. Even though I was happy, I knew that I wasn't on the right track, and today, I am trying to find my way back to the main road.
My grandmother passed a year ago today. Although she was on the other side of the planet, with only phone calls in between, I didn't know how to continue my life without her. I was never close with my grandmother; all I knew about her was her name and illnesses that she was at the hospital for. But even though she was always sick, she was always happy. Despite the family situation back home, she was always smiling and laughing and always told her grandchildren how much she loved us. Even though we were the worst grandchildren, she still gave us all her attention and all her heart. I admit I was not one to be respectful to her, and I very much regret that.
My grandmother's death was the first time I ever experienced a direct loss in the family. I never understood why some of my friends would miss days of school because of a loss in the family, until a year ago today. I missed weeks of school; passed a month of school because of my grandmother.
My father, the most emotionless person I know, was a mess, and that's what hit me the most. I learned a year ago today that people have sincere feelings under the layers of pride. It was not that I felt completely lost without my grandmother, it was that I felt regret for never paying attention to her. I felt regret for brushing it off my mind about the times I would get a call and hear she was in the hospital. I treated it as if it was a bad mark on a test. I felt horrible in that sense. But, what the most difficult part about this whole situation was that my father was completely lost without my grandmother, and without my father, I am unstable.
In order to find stability, I forcefully landed. I got off the main road and turned into the small streets. I needed to keep my mind off my grandmother in order to feel stronger. This was the beginning of my drain. My grades dropped from 90s to 50s, I did drugs, I drank, I worked instead of studied, I found safety and trust in a boy that I knew was not going to stick around. I was spiralling down.
I did not realize my issues and my mistakes until a year later. I thought I was the strongest person out there; no feelings, no emotions, I absolutely thought I was capable of brushing everything, no matter what it was, off my shoulder. A year ago today, was the beginning of my problems. These problems were the first I have ever had in my life; I have never let anything bother me up until I completely messed up my life. It makes me more sick about myself than anything, but despite the huge hole in my family after my grandmother's passing, I was the happiest this year. And I know I shouldn't be happy, but I tell myself that this is my way of grieving. The mentality I had about my whole situation was sick; it disgusts me.
A year has passed, and I can clearly see everything that was wrong during my "happy year". My drastically dropped average is not going to get me into school, and get me a good job. The drugs I did has no real purpose and will do nothing to me other than weigh me down. That boy I found happiness in is gone, and never coming back. The stability I thought I found, was not stable at all. In fact, it was more rickety than normal grieving. But, no matter how difficult it might be, I am determined to find my main road again. No matter how many tank refills, or tire changes, I will get there. Today is going to be the day I mark my progression. Slowly, but surely, I will find my real, stable grounds. I will find the real Jo.
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